Thursday, 11 May 2017

Is He Real?

I have been battling with my 'rational' logic ever since I first get introduced to the notion of a single God who not only loves us, but who died for us. Who in the world will die for us? I thought. To those who do not know me well enough, I grew up in a family where we worshipped Taoism idols and pray to them for blessings by using incense sticks. My family though, only worshipped them at special occasions, most of the time dismisses the notion of God and lives as free thinkers.

See, it was clearly mentioned in the Bible that we can only serve one God, no one can serve both God and money (Matthew 6:24). This Scripture is universal and applies to all, believer or not. Majority of the times during my upbringing though had been revolving around the latter. But truly, life revolving around money is stressful and joyless. I got beaten up when I lost money as a boy (even just RM10). There is still a dark shadow hiding beneath. I had learnt that money is important. Losing it means I am looking for a whip. Until today, the topics of conversation in my family are still revolving around money issue. The best fixed deposit (FD) rate currently offered in the market, property's prospect and profitability and anything under the Sun relating to money, including solar panel project for TNB as an alternative investment. We barely talk about topics that will strengthen our family bond, things we like or don't like, what we think on certain issues and so on. We rarely, if ever, have heart-to-heart talks. Arguments and quarrelling were rampant even on small petty issues.

As a young believer, I found myself constantly challenged to resist the temptation of succumbing to my family circumstances. Many times I had failed. So much so that I had been categorised as "one kind" and being ridiculous. What can I do, Lord? Help me to resist the temptation of being angry. Yet time and time again I got angry even at little things. To the extent I start doubting if He is even real. If He is real, He will do something to improve my family situation. But ever since, I have gotten many different clues on what I can do to change this. He has spoken to me via many different ways: people around me, Scriptures, and circumstances to test my progress and development.

It is not so much on how my family members can change the family situation, but how I can and should react to it. I pray to God that if He is real, He will give me the much needed control and peace to not fight back in argument and loud voice. How beautiful it is for my voice to be used in praising Him. Prior to serving on church choir, my voice projection was literally used for the wrong purposes, which I admit that I am very ashamed now. But God is a God of second chance and His grace is ever sufficient for us. Every day I ask God for forgiveness and He still has not failed me. Now I am getting better at this. I have learnt not to raise voice and argue with my parents. I have been granted His peace and truly with this change having started within me, the tendency of argument has miraculously lessen.

He has implanted the spirit of patience in me. Throughout U-turn 21-days Prayer and Fast season leading up to Easter this year, family salvation was my main prayer point. No matter how much my heart desires to see my family members in church, God wants me to take it slow, one step at a time. The success of all big plans starts with many small steps being put together. Small, yet essential and godly.

So, is He real? On the things that I have not prayed about but decided to pursue, many times I had failed. On the hindsight, it seems to me the best way is to pray and ask God for peace in everything I do and things that I desire for. I have failed twice in my CA1 exam (Actuarial Risk Management) but God is still reassuring me the time will come, only if I completely put my faith in Him and His timing. This applies to all other areas too. I have decided to attempt ST5 exam (Finance & Investment A) one month ago and take a break from CA1 exam. The same feeling of insecurity and doubt hit me the moment I finished writing the paper. But I am still trusting Him for His deliverance.

I am a four-year-two-month-old Christian today. I am not young anymore, but I am still not matured enough. Every day I am learning something new about Him. There are days I felt distant from Him particularly when times are easy. When times are difficult, two possible things can happen: either I get closer to Him even more or I start doubting. And when the latter happens, He always give me peace and grace so sufficient to forgive me and lead me back towards His intended path for me. All because He loves me so much. He loves you equally much too if not more.

Friends, may I therefore encourage you that if you are like me, wondering if He is real at times or still thinking so, would you give Him a chance to pour out His blessings into your life? He is so excited to do so, and He is just waiting for the perfect moment.

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