I Want To Be A Child!

I just turned into a young adult not very long ago. Although some people may disagree with me and still see me as a child and of different generation. I remember just a few years ago, all I wished was to grow up faster. I was impatient and wanted everything to happen fast. I wanted to finish college quickly and start working. I wanted a girlfriend and I was hoping the one girlfriend will eventually become my wife. I was dreaming of starting a small family of my own. I wanted a fast car and I still do! I thought I knew it all and had all it takes to be an adult. I became arrogant of my own little achievements, not realising how insignificant I was at that time. Or was I right? I was plain naive. 

Just this morning I bumped into this poll set up by one of the bloggers I was following and it goes: Would you rather travel back to the past, or to the future?

Future. 

That was my first response. But having contemplated a little, I chose Past. Wait, hang on a minute, so you would rather choose "Past" than foreseeing your own "Future", you ask? A stark difference from what I have written above! You are right. If I am given a chance to turn back the time, I will choose to appreciate moments more. I was impatient and wanted everything instant! I have missed out so many precious moments with family members and friends. Ironically, I picked up photography for exactly the same reason - capture the moments. 

I will slow down my footsteps and smell the wild flowers, sit by the bench at a park and simply having my Me time, enjoy the moments. It would have been even more fantastic if I had a good book on hand. I did not. All I did was rushing courseworks, meetings and events. When I was still in school (not university, I had a fantastic time!), I wished to get out of the class and go back home, every single day! I did not enjoy the moments I had with my classmates, and understandbly lack of close friends due to my slight arrogance and introverted nature. The truth is, nobody likes to befriend an arrogant douchebag. If you can't seem to find the fish everyone is talking about, you are the fish! I was the fish. 

It took me ages to realise I need a change. I can argue until the cows come home and say they were simply not good enough to be my friends, pointing fingers and putting blames on others. It would have been much more convenient to me, of course on the expense of losing even more friends. OR, I can choose to change myself. I can choose to be nice to others when others are not that friendly towards me, or even talk behind my back! It happened, but yet I chose to be nice and even offer my help in their need. I can choose to let go and forgive. Do you know when you let go of something, you will feel as if a huge rock has been lifted off your shoulder? I do! 

If you know me, although I have been Christian for quite some time now, it was difficult for me to incorporate what Christ has taught me in my life. I was strongheaded, a tough nut to crack. Since I tend to think logically, not everything in the Bible will make sense to me, even up to this day, if I continue the same old way of viewing the Bible. Yesterday the Sunday service at my church was delivered by Pastor Sandra, on having a childlike faith. It doesn't seem new to me, and certainly won't seem new to most Christians. 

We have heared it all over the place, many times. But many of us, if we are honest enough, still struggle to live up to that expectation God has set up for His believers. Pr. Sandra spoke about a rich young man, who had lived his life being obedient to God's law and commandments. The young man bumped into Jesus and asked what was he still lacking and got the right answer. Jesus asked him to sell all his possessions and follow Him, but the young man walked away sorrowful, unwilling to give up his wealths. 

It spoke to me! 

I can relate so much to the young man, because to be honest, I will struggle hard myself if I were asked to sell all my possessions and follow Him. But again, the possesions here do not necessarily mean wealth, but also past hurts and past memories! I remember responding at one Sunday service three years ago and went out to the alter, for Pr. Kenneth to lay hand on me and pray. He did not yet know me at that time, but this was what he said to me, "You have to learn to let go of your past." What past?! I did not understand what he meant at that moment, but he was right. 

Have this past memory been haunting me? Past memories of being bullied in class in secondary school and even college. I was fat and slow. Perfect target for bullies. What about past memories of broken relationship? Broken friendships? 

If I simply have a childlike faith, trusting God will deliver me from these painful memories, the amount of joy I would have experienced throughout the journey is boundless! I can choose to surrender all these past bondages to God, knowing He will deal with all these. A child looks up to his/her dad as his/her personal hero. No matter how much a loser the dad really is, he will always be the number one superhero in his children's eyes. I wished Jesus was my childhood superhero. He wasn't. I didn't get to know Him intimately only until recent years. 

How did you react when someone you trusted so much (i.e. your dad) asked you to not be afraid and walk towards him, when you were just a baby? You walked towards him, despite knowing you will fall on your own. But you knew your daddy will always catch you when you fall. You trusted him! In the same way, I want to trust God wholeheartedly. I am not afraid of anything, because I know I have a big God catching me when I fall. He is watching over me, every step I take. 

I want to be a child, to my Father in Heaven.